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[plotrevised]

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2/2

[plotrevised]

[gonna pull hard on Aloys' legs to pull him toward himself, sliding him onto the couch more so he's easier to lean over.]

I'm still not sure--does hearing about how it actually is lessen this approach any?

Re: 2/2

[madidus]

[Uh. Buddy. If you're going to say sex makes you feel overwhelmed why are you acting so sexy? He can't help just, blushing and looking at Dokja, caught by surprise.]

No--you're still unfairly hot.

[plotrevised]

[he did also say he thinks about throwing himself into a deep end. if he drowns, well... fuck him, he guesses?]

"Unfairly"...

[why is that so funny?

tapping a finger on Aloys' nose. boop.]

Good. Because I do think I have fun with you, even if what I said is the reality of it.

[madidus]

[Well being booped does lessen the tension of suddenly Dokja being sexy.

He reaches up to ruffle his hair.]

Good. I have fun too.

But you're kind of veering off the whole "what if stay alive" topic huh?

[plotrevised]

[wow, don't ruffle his hair when he's topping, that's rude? but actually... nice?]

Obviously, I can't keep doing the same thing if I go that route.

But I've performed for a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons. I'm... tired. So it's not that simple, either.

[madidus]

[This man is starved for so much affection huh? He goes from ruffling to just, carding his fingers through his hair, pets.]

What if you just stopped performing and were yourself? Would that be bad?

Is there some reason Kim Dokja can't just want to live and be himself?

[plotrevised]

[and terrible at recognizing how starved he is. mildly distracted but tilting his head into it, for once.]

... and who would that be?

[madidus]

[He keeps petting then. Soft.]

That bad, huh...?

[plotrevised]

Mm... who knows?

[maybe he doesn't have access to his Wall, but there are still some internalized barriers he can run into and this is definitely... well, less a wall, more a chasm barely held together.

but he's ignoring that in favor of lifting a hand to settle it to Aloys's face, touching, feeling. just kind of watching him.]

[madidus]

[He leans into the touch, eyes half closing. He's still petting Dopkja's hair.]

I mean I can't speak from experience, but being a "person" is probably overrated anyway.

[plotrevised]

Yeah? Why do you think that?

[if he thinks about that period of time he had Brant's anger and it was just easier to act on...

he's gonna lean down to kiss at Aloys' neck. rude when he just asked a question, really.]

[madidus]

Because I'm not really a person and I'm not doing so badly.

[His breath hitches as he answers, sliding his fingers down through Dokja's hair to knead the back of his neck. His own chin tilting up to bare his neck for the man to kiss easier.]

[plotrevised]

[lets his head tip forward more, feeling that. and taking full advance of throat being bared to kiss and even bite at the skin there. he does shift a bit more, adjusts his positioning on the couch so his torso isn't as twisted.]

What makes someone a person?

[madidus]

Ah...

[Fuck this is nice. His fingers dig in a little harder, encouraging and holding on at the bite, his blush deepening.]

Fuck if I know. Always... Assumed you'd be able to tell if you were one, though.

[plotrevised]

[thinking about it... right. this guy is a legit masochist...

hand going... to Aloys' throat. and applying some pressure even while he keeps working at his neck, working his way back up to that pierced ear of his.]

That's a bold assumption. I don't think I was ever raised with the right idea, come to think of it.

[madidus]

Like I said it's... just an assumption. I don't know shit about being a person.

[Genuine masochist here, purely into pain for the sake of it without any need for objectives. He moans softly, raking his nails lightly against Kim Dokja's skin in encouragement, more.]

What--what's the right idea, then?

[plotrevised]

If I knew that, would I have had to struggle so much?

[there's a shiver running down his own back at the catch of nails on his skin before he puts more pressure on Aloys' throat while using a knee to nudge between his legs.]

[madidus]

[His thighs part eagerly, absolutely slutty in the way he leans into every touch, how hard he is easy enough to feel through his pants. How Dokja choking him lightly is clearly feeling pretty blissful to him.

He swallows, adam's apple bobbing under Dokja's palm, having more difficulty with that, with forming words. Just noting the way Dokja responds to his nails and raking them down his spine under his shirt. His words equally breathless with the pressure against his throat as they are with desire.]

Ssswhy I said... don't need to be a person.

[plotrevised]

Guess that's a fair point.

[he is... in fact... a little envious? that it's this easy for Aloys? but at the same times, having seen just glimpses of Aloys' story thanks to those signs that one time--

and then he's distracted by those nails again. opts to press the heel of his free hand against that hard cock still in those pants. not being gentle at all, really]

Think I might just have too much pride, also.

[madidus]

Mm, pride... will be a problem. Maybe that's what makes you a person?

[Hm the roughness just makes him gasp in pleasure, rocking up against Dokja's hand needily. Nails dragging back up his spine, one hand slipping out of his shirt to grip the front, as he pants for air.]

Are you... concerned...? About what makes you "you"?

[plotrevised]

That's only natural.

There's not really that much pleasant, if I'm honest.

[all of his stories are only painful, lonely, or the source of other people's loneliness and pains. even if he loves them all so very much, enough to keep doing it again and again. it's that kind of feeling making his gut twist into knots because couldn't it be seen as the same here, what he's doing? causing pain to cause pleasure?

he lets up on the pressure on Aloys' throat a bit.]

Though it's also... I guess if you ever see my library, you'd be able to understand it a bit.

[madidus]

[It's hard to think when he's turned on but he's not so far gone he's not still invested in this conversation He takes a deeper breath, now that he's allowed to a little. And then raises both hands to frame Dokja's face and pull his head down, meeting his eyes. Voice still thick with arousal but also intense, trying to make a point.]

've been nothing but... A vessel. Fucktoy. Tool. Doll. Sacrifice. All my life. Since... Forever. Never been a person. Never... Never. Most of my stories... Aren't pleasant. They suck, even. I suck too.

But even--even so. Someone like me exists. And wants to keep existing.

So why not you? Whoever Kim Dokja is or whatever, that can be figured out. Isn't... Isn't it just enough to want to? Doesn't being unsure about it mean you want to?

It's okay to exist. Whatever or whoever you are is--it's whatever. It isn't as important as you actually being around to figure it out.

What--what I'm saying is it's okay for things to suck, it's okay even if you suck, you're allowed to still want to be alive anyway.

[Saying this is hard. Not just because he's a little choked. It's emotionally difficult to admit a lot of that and the struggle is obvious, the tears at the corners of his eyes from too much feelings, the sheer terror of saying stuff like that out loud to someone like this. Because admitting these things is vulnerability. Because if Kim Dokja rejects that premise, it will be a little too personal. Hurt a little too deeply.

But even if it means hurting, who else is going to tell Kim Dokja he's allowed to want to exist? He didn't have a twin to drag him through things. Whatever mental barrier he did have isn't around now either, so even if he's not really alone, what's the difference if he feels alone?]

1/4

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2/4

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3/4

[plotrevised]

[well, it doesn't seem like Dokja's rejecting the premise, just... the premise does hurt. and he's especially aware of Aloys being the one to say it which is awful in a different way because Dokja knows Aloys had an objectively worse life.

little apocalypses every day, death by a thousand papercuts... maybe if looking back on the Scenarios didn't carry with it Fourth Wall's interference...]