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[It's hard to think when he's turned on but he's not so far gone he's not still invested in this conversation He takes a deeper breath, now that he's allowed to a little. And then raises both hands to frame Dokja's face and pull his head down, meeting his eyes. Voice still thick with arousal but also intense, trying to make a point.]

've been nothing but... A vessel. Fucktoy. Tool. Doll. Sacrifice. All my life. Since... Forever. Never been a person. Never... Never. Most of my stories... Aren't pleasant. They suck, even. I suck too.

But even--even so. Someone like me exists. And wants to keep existing.

So why not you? Whoever Kim Dokja is or whatever, that can be figured out. Isn't... Isn't it just enough to want to? Doesn't being unsure about it mean you want to?

It's okay to exist. Whatever or whoever you are is--it's whatever. It isn't as important as you actually being around to figure it out.

What--what I'm saying is it's okay for things to suck, it's okay even if you suck, you're allowed to still want to be alive anyway.

[Saying this is hard. Not just because he's a little choked. It's emotionally difficult to admit a lot of that and the struggle is obvious, the tears at the corners of his eyes from too much feelings, the sheer terror of saying stuff like that out loud to someone like this. Because admitting these things is vulnerability. Because if Kim Dokja rejects that premise, it will be a little too personal. Hurt a little too deeply.

But even if it means hurting, who else is going to tell Kim Dokja he's allowed to want to exist? He didn't have a twin to drag him through things. Whatever mental barrier he did have isn't around now either, so even if he's not really alone, what's the difference if he feels alone?]

[well, it doesn't seem like Dokja's rejecting the premise, just... the premise does hurt. and he's especially aware of Aloys being the one to say it which is awful in a different way because Dokja knows Aloys had an objectively worse life.

little apocalypses every day, death by a thousand papercuts... maybe if looking back on the Scenarios didn't carry with it Fourth Wall's interference...]

[but then rather than use words that can't get passed the knot in his throat, Dokja pushes forward in those hands so he can kiss Aloys more properly. more intense than planned and probably harder, pushing for more quick and immediately because it's really the only way he can think to convey just how much those words to cut into him because they're so very close to accurate.]

[That's not an outright rejection or argument which is a way better reaction than he could have hoped for.

He slides one hand into Dokja's hair, tangling there to keep him pulled tight, the other going around his back, equally tight. He's a little bigger than this man, and muscular enough for the hold to feel firm and reassuring.

Even though he's kissing him back with equal intensity and emotion, he's trying to convey some kind of feeling of safety here. Sometimes you just need to be held real tight and kissed real deep because articulating things is hard. He may only really feel he's good at offering comfort physically, but being held is physical. He's happy to hold this man who seems like he is starving for years of neglected hugs, actually.]

[can't believe he went from getting a man hot and bothered on a couch and now he's highkey wanting to cry while kissing and being held. this is so pathetic, actually, but Aloys is not wrong about Dokja being Needing To Be Held shaped, even if he's usually a standoffish rat bastard about it.

just this time, he lets go a little, letting his body settle more on top of Aloys.]

[Sometimes you go from making out, to making out and wanting to cry.

He keeps his hold tight, absolutely not planning on letting go, trying to convey that in the firmness of his hold. He'll kiss Dokja for as long as the man wants, and then when they have to break for air, he'll pull Dokja's face against his shoulder and kiss his temples and hair.]

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