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[plotrevised]

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Re: Day 50

[plotrevised]

I don't know, either.

I do know... that that challenge with the candies was okay for me. It was... nice. But I do know that wasn't the case for everyone and some people were pretty shitty about it. So even that, I'm having to be careful with.

[100% has stashed candies, yep.]

Re: Day 50

[madidus]

Well I'm always up for shit like that if it comes around again, if you want to have a nice time with someone who won't be weird about it later.

But... Basically you just overthink, right?

Re: Day 50

[plotrevised]

That's part of it...

[your Master is actually an introverted nerd who got bullied a lot, it's tough, actually.]

The other part... for a long while, I had a certain ability. It was fairly sentient, even, and kept me company even when there wasn't anyone else around. It protected me from the worst of the Scenarios, from even my own emotions even when I did want to feel them.

[hands are gonna. knead a little a Aloys' legs' muscles, just for something to do. massage time is a good anxiety outlet, right?]

I haven't had access to that ability in almost three months. That's... part of the overwhelm.

... some of the others know or are aware about that, but I don't think I've managed to be very clear on how much it does affect me.

Re: Day 50

[madidus]

[Oh. Nice. He relaxes back more, yes, pamper him for stress relief.]

Huh. So like... Some kind of mental barrier that was also your friend? That sounds handy.

I mean even without it being a buffer it must be lonely right? If it hasn't been here for months and you were used to it always being there.

Re: Day 50

[plotrevised]

[... oh.

yeah. Aloys isn't wrong with that read of it.]

Right... even though I can reach for pretty much any other skill... I can't seem to access that one at all.

Re: Day 50

[madidus]

So not only are you missing a buffer on things you're also missing a constant friend. Of course you're going to feel kind of cruddy.

I don't know what to do about that but if you like being removed and quiet, isn't it fine to just be removed and quiet?

Just do it with someone nearby for the loneliness part. Be removed and quiet together or something.

Re: Day 50

[plotrevised]

... I'm very good at removing myself and at being quiet and patient. Those are definitely skills I've perfected over centuries, even.

[pauses for a moment.]

But... I've said I'm not decided on what I'll do for myself when I get to Queen. If it's one path, then surely doing the same as always is fine. In fact, it'd be easier.

Re: Day 50

[madidus]

Right, the delete yourself path, why bother to change, just endure until you don't exist.

But what about the other one?

1/2

[plotrevised]

... that one... I've been thinking about it, but.

2/2

[plotrevised]

[gonna pull hard on Aloys' legs to pull him toward himself, sliding him onto the couch more so he's easier to lean over.]

I'm still not sure--does hearing about how it actually is lessen this approach any?

Re: 2/2

[madidus]

[Uh. Buddy. If you're going to say sex makes you feel overwhelmed why are you acting so sexy? He can't help just, blushing and looking at Dokja, caught by surprise.]

No--you're still unfairly hot.

[plotrevised]

[he did also say he thinks about throwing himself into a deep end. if he drowns, well... fuck him, he guesses?]

"Unfairly"...

[why is that so funny?

tapping a finger on Aloys' nose. boop.]

Good. Because I do think I have fun with you, even if what I said is the reality of it.

[madidus]

[Well being booped does lessen the tension of suddenly Dokja being sexy.

He reaches up to ruffle his hair.]

Good. I have fun too.

But you're kind of veering off the whole "what if stay alive" topic huh?

[plotrevised]

[wow, don't ruffle his hair when he's topping, that's rude? but actually... nice?]

Obviously, I can't keep doing the same thing if I go that route.

But I've performed for a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons. I'm... tired. So it's not that simple, either.

[madidus]

[This man is starved for so much affection huh? He goes from ruffling to just, carding his fingers through his hair, pets.]

What if you just stopped performing and were yourself? Would that be bad?

Is there some reason Kim Dokja can't just want to live and be himself?

[plotrevised]

[and terrible at recognizing how starved he is. mildly distracted but tilting his head into it, for once.]

... and who would that be?

[madidus]

[He keeps petting then. Soft.]

That bad, huh...?

[plotrevised]

Mm... who knows?

[maybe he doesn't have access to his Wall, but there are still some internalized barriers he can run into and this is definitely... well, less a wall, more a chasm barely held together.

but he's ignoring that in favor of lifting a hand to settle it to Aloys's face, touching, feeling. just kind of watching him.]

[madidus]

[He leans into the touch, eyes half closing. He's still petting Dopkja's hair.]

I mean I can't speak from experience, but being a "person" is probably overrated anyway.

[plotrevised]

Yeah? Why do you think that?

[if he thinks about that period of time he had Brant's anger and it was just easier to act on...

he's gonna lean down to kiss at Aloys' neck. rude when he just asked a question, really.]

[madidus]

Because I'm not really a person and I'm not doing so badly.

[His breath hitches as he answers, sliding his fingers down through Dokja's hair to knead the back of his neck. His own chin tilting up to bare his neck for the man to kiss easier.]

[plotrevised]

[lets his head tip forward more, feeling that. and taking full advance of throat being bared to kiss and even bite at the skin there. he does shift a bit more, adjusts his positioning on the couch so his torso isn't as twisted.]

What makes someone a person?

[madidus]

Ah...

[Fuck this is nice. His fingers dig in a little harder, encouraging and holding on at the bite, his blush deepening.]

Fuck if I know. Always... Assumed you'd be able to tell if you were one, though.

[plotrevised]

[thinking about it... right. this guy is a legit masochist...

hand going... to Aloys' throat. and applying some pressure even while he keeps working at his neck, working his way back up to that pierced ear of his.]

That's a bold assumption. I don't think I was ever raised with the right idea, come to think of it.

[madidus]

Like I said it's... just an assumption. I don't know shit about being a person.

[Genuine masochist here, purely into pain for the sake of it without any need for objectives. He moans softly, raking his nails lightly against Kim Dokja's skin in encouragement, more.]

What--what's the right idea, then?