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Being worried and insecure is like my default state.

How am I supposed to relax if you're not relaxed?

I don't know. That's why I have so much sex. It's super easy to relax when you're getting railed.

Not sure if stories compare. But that's clearly your favorite thing so I can try?

I'd rather people not make things harder on themselves.

If it's not your thing, it's not your thing.

... though I will say... I don't find it that easy to relax when it's sexual. The only times it's been easy has been when I've been affected by something.

You don't like sex then? Or nuts get anxious?

It's not that I don't like it...

[seems to pause, actually considering words. it's Aloys, so it's not like there's going to be any real judgement, after all?]

It's just... a lot. And before this place... I. Pretty much. Didn't have any real experience with it. And, well... interest in men wasn't... my first thought. I only noticed attraction to women.

So it's just a lot. Almost too much.

[especially without Fourth Wall separating him out from everything...]

Sometimes, I think it's probably better to just dive into the deep end, but other times... it feels like I'd rather tear off my own skin than deal with the overwhelm.

[There is in fact a complete lack of judgement, just listening.]

I guess that makes sense. Between being the isolated kid and whatever was going on that made you all powerful and cagey, physical intimacy being a lot... Well yeah.

I can't say I know what you're feeling, physicality is all I've really known my whole life. But I think I can see how it would be a lot.

Sometimes though, being a lot is kind of the point. Being overwhelmed is part of what makes sex appealing to me, because then you don't have to think. And boy do you seem like a guy who could do without thinking for a while.

But that's just from my perspective. I really don't know if that would make you feel better or worse.

I don't know, either.

I do know... that that challenge with the candies was okay for me. It was... nice. But I do know that wasn't the case for everyone and some people were pretty shitty about it. So even that, I'm having to be careful with.

[100% has stashed candies, yep.]

Well I'm always up for shit like that if it comes around again, if you want to have a nice time with someone who won't be weird about it later.

But... Basically you just overthink, right?

That's part of it...

[your Master is actually an introverted nerd who got bullied a lot, it's tough, actually.]

The other part... for a long while, I had a certain ability. It was fairly sentient, even, and kept me company even when there wasn't anyone else around. It protected me from the worst of the Scenarios, from even my own emotions even when I did want to feel them.

[hands are gonna. knead a little a Aloys' legs' muscles, just for something to do. massage time is a good anxiety outlet, right?]

I haven't had access to that ability in almost three months. That's... part of the overwhelm.

... some of the others know or are aware about that, but I don't think I've managed to be very clear on how much it does affect me.

Edited 2025-12-03 00:21 (UTC)

[Oh. Nice. He relaxes back more, yes, pamper him for stress relief.]

Huh. So like... Some kind of mental barrier that was also your friend? That sounds handy.

I mean even without it being a buffer it must be lonely right? If it hasn't been here for months and you were used to it always being there.

[... oh.

yeah. Aloys isn't wrong with that read of it.]

Right... even though I can reach for pretty much any other skill... I can't seem to access that one at all.

So not only are you missing a buffer on things you're also missing a constant friend. Of course you're going to feel kind of cruddy.

I don't know what to do about that but if you like being removed and quiet, isn't it fine to just be removed and quiet?

Just do it with someone nearby for the loneliness part. Be removed and quiet together or something.

... I'm very good at removing myself and at being quiet and patient. Those are definitely skills I've perfected over centuries, even.

[pauses for a moment.]

But... I've said I'm not decided on what I'll do for myself when I get to Queen. If it's one path, then surely doing the same as always is fine. In fact, it'd be easier.

Right, the delete yourself path, why bother to change, just endure until you don't exist.

But what about the other one?

... that one... I've been thinking about it, but.

[gonna pull hard on Aloys' legs to pull him toward himself, sliding him onto the couch more so he's easier to lean over.]

I'm still not sure--does hearing about how it actually is lessen this approach any?

[Uh. Buddy. If you're going to say sex makes you feel overwhelmed why are you acting so sexy? He can't help just, blushing and looking at Dokja, caught by surprise.]

No--you're still unfairly hot.

[he did also say he thinks about throwing himself into a deep end. if he drowns, well... fuck him, he guesses?]

"Unfairly"...

[why is that so funny?

tapping a finger on Aloys' nose. boop.]

Good. Because I do think I have fun with you, even if what I said is the reality of it.

[Well being booped does lessen the tension of suddenly Dokja being sexy.

He reaches up to ruffle his hair.]

Good. I have fun too.

But you're kind of veering off the whole "what if stay alive" topic huh?

[wow, don't ruffle his hair when he's topping, that's rude? but actually... nice?]

Obviously, I can't keep doing the same thing if I go that route.

But I've performed for a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons. I'm... tired. So it's not that simple, either.

[This man is starved for so much affection huh? He goes from ruffling to just, carding his fingers through his hair, pets.]

What if you just stopped performing and were yourself? Would that be bad?

Is there some reason Kim Dokja can't just want to live and be himself?

[and terrible at recognizing how starved he is. mildly distracted but tilting his head into it, for once.]

... and who would that be?

[He keeps petting then. Soft.]

That bad, huh...?

Mm... who knows?

[maybe he doesn't have access to his Wall, but there are still some internalized barriers he can run into and this is definitely... well, less a wall, more a chasm barely held together.

but he's ignoring that in favor of lifting a hand to settle it to Aloys's face, touching, feeling. just kind of watching him.]

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